


Stand Up in this Cage

by CydSA



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-21
Updated: 2010-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't turn back the clock, you can only wind it up a little and hope that time is kind</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Paul Yorn's- Lose You – song title thank you. The song "Lost for Lies" is written by yours truly.

Katy is the first to see it. She tells him that it wasn't at the hometown visit where he had a painted thumbnail, carrying a piece of his best friend. It wasn't during the finale where they had sung with Queen and told the world, "This guy", pointing at each other. It was April 8, results night, and Adam and Kris were told to stand together, were told they were safe together, and Katy says she saw the look they exchanged. It was intimate and that shared expression had changed everything for her. It is then that she knows.

So once the tour is over she sits Kris down, makes him talk, tries to help him understand what is happening, acknowledge what he feels. But it isn't something that Kris is even prepared to even talk about, let alone accept. The safety of the bubble of Idol has protected him, them, and the wealth of evidence that Katy has pulled up from the Internet has completely freaked him out. He knows that he and Adam are close, are friends, are soul mates even, but that is all. They are friends. Only friends. Nothing more. He insists on it, persists with the line. The lie.

The one who suffers most from that conversation is Adam. After enjoying the closeness of brothers, Kris pushes him away, keeps him at arms length until eventually Adam doesn't fight it any more, he just stays away.

 

_How you turned my world, you precious thing  
You starve and near exhaust me_

 

It takes three years for Kris to figure himself out. Three years to admit that Katy was right. Three years to reach a point where he stands in a hotel bathroom, stares at himself in a mirror and says it out loud, "I am in love with Adam."

Katy is in the bedroom, curled up against the mountain of pillows on the bed. "What was that, baby?"

He walks out of the bathroom, stares at her, almost as though she is someone he has never seen before. '"I was in love with Adam."

Her mouth twists, turns down and those big eyes darken. "Of course you were." She reaches out to him and he takes her hand. "I think we all were a little in love with Adam."

He sits down on the bed next to her, shell-shocked, dazed, "I mean, Katy, I really loved him. I think I still do."

She looks at him intently and then asks, "What do you want to do with that, Kris? Is it something you need to deal with or can you put it away?"

His mind is a mess; he doesn't know...only this, "I need to talk to Adam." Katy's face is miserable; Adam's hold has always been like concrete. He has never relinquished his grip on Kris, even though he was the one who finally let go.

"Adam is with someone, has been for some time now. It's not fair to him, you were the one who made the decision to step away, step back. Don't do any more damage." But he isn't listening, his head is somewhere else, already with Adam. "Three years ago, when we talked about this, you told me I was imagining things. I gave you your chance to leave. I won't be so gracious this time around." Her voice is hard.

Kris focuses on her again. "What? No, Kate, Katy, I'm not going anywhere. I just need to talk to him. Explain what happened, why I was such an asshole to him. He didn't know. He doesn't know."

Katy shakes her head. "Of course he knew. He was always much smarter than you when it came to emotions. He knew what you were feeling; he knew how I felt about it. That's why he let you push him away."

Kris's eyes are dark. "You let me treat him like that?" He's angry with her, with himself, with Adam. He pulls his hand from hers and starts pacing the room. "I must have hurt him so much." There's the thing, right there. He can't handle the thought of being responsible for hurting Adam in any way. And that he can deal with hurting Katy, like he is now, tells him a whole world of things. He can live with hurting her, but not Adam. Still, after nearly three years of no contact, Adam comes first. "When this tour is over, I'm going to talk to him. That's all. I want my friend back in my life. If he'll forgive me."

Kris decides not to contact Adam yet. He wants to face him, see his smile, feel his pardon. So he waits impatiently for his tour to end. Katy stays. Kris isn't sure why she stays, because he feels sick, like he is quietly stripping little bits of her skin from her body, one tiny piece at a time, leaving her bleeding from a million cuts. He still kisses her, hugs her, even makes love to her, but he knows that the Kris she has known and loved for more than ten years is gone and been replaced with just a body that says all the right things, does all the proper things, but is empty.

Two months after Kris's personal revelation, he and Katy fly back home, back to Los Angeles where their small house in a quiet suburb of Hollywood welcomes them. Walking into the place they have decorated together over the years overwhelms him. Kris looks around and sees nothing that he recognizes as his, no evidence of his personality, likes, choices at all. He sees that Katy has stamped her mark here, made it hers. He remembers them shopping together; choosing paint together, but nothing that has ended up here is Kris. It's all Katy. He sits on the sofa in the lounge, head in his hands.

Katy joins him, leans against him. "What are you thinking about, baby?"

He looks at her and she must see something terrible in his eyes because she gasps softly. "I don't feel like I'm home."

Her mouth works, wobbles and then firms. "This is your home, Kristopher. It has been for almost three years."

Three years, those three years must have happened to some other Kristopher Neil Allen, because he can't for the life of him recall one single memory of them. It's like he's woken up after a coma and his life has been in a holding pattern and someone else got to live in his body while he was sleeping.

"I don't think I've been home for a long time, Katy-girl." He thinks about Adam. Noble, honourable Adam, who always stopped Kris before he stepped across the line to inappropriate. Adam, who always encouraged him, bolstered him, flattered him. Adam, who had no sense of self-preservation, who loved with every part of his being, unreserved. Adam, who stepped back when Kris wouldn't allow him close any longer, never said a word against him in the press, to their friends. Adam just might be his home.

And he looks at Katy and sees the knowledge in her sad eyes. "I'm sorry." Because, what else can he say? He's breaking her heart and can't stop it. "I can't be this person any more. I've been lying to myself, to you for so long now. I can't even tell when the lies started."

She just stares at him and then replies, "I know exactly when it began. It started the night the tour ended when I told you that you loved Adam and you looked straight at me and swore that it wasn't true." He knows she's right and his hands are clenched on his knees. "You should have let me go then. Because now, all I know is that the last three years have been a lie. That you left me in your heart long before you left me physically. And it makes me sick and furious and it hurts me so much."

He can't say anything to refute it. She's utterly correct, in her assessment of their marriage and of him. She has every right to hate him. He hates himself. He hopes that one day she will forgive him. "I will always love you. Always." She's crying when he says this and her tears make his heart ache and he can't think of anything he can say that will make it better.

She takes his hands, she is so strong, "I love you too, but I really don't like you very much right now. So, either you can go to a hotel or I will, but let's make this is painless as possible, okay?"

He presses soft kisses to each knuckle and whispers, "I'll go. This is your house." He turns to leave, picking up his unpacked suitcase as he walks out the door, taking one last look around the house they bought and lived in with such hope and promise. He prays that she will be okay, she's young and beautiful and he wants her to be happy.

 

_Everything I've done, I've done for you  
I move the stars for no one_

 

Kris still doesn't call Adam. He decides to wait until he is free before he goes to Adam to offer him...what? His heart, himself, everything? He's not sure yet but he knows that he has to close the door on his life with Katy before he can move on with anything else. The settlement is bloodless; he gives Katy the house and half his earnings while they were married, with a monthly stipend until she remarries. They are polite and cool to each other, but the day they sign the papers, he sees the Katy he married in her eyes.

She signs with a flourish and hands the pen to him. "Here you go, and then we're done."

He looks at her, she's like a blade of grass, bending with the storm, but not breaking. "I am so proud of the woman you have become, Katy-girl." At his soft words, her lip trembles a little and then a small smile appears.

"Thank you." Her voice is just as soft.

He signs the papers, the lawyers shake hands and they all stand to leave. "I hope that someday, we can be friends again."

She shakes her head. "You're such an ass, Kris. We'll always be friends. It's just right now, we're having a fight and this friend doesn't want to see you for a while." She reaches up, kisses him on the cheek. "I'll call you when I want to talk to you again. Okay?"

His heart feels lighter than it has in years and he hugs her, hard. "You're the best girl in the world."

She hugs him back and whispers, "I hope you know what you're doing. I hope you find your happiness."

He lowers his cheek to her soft, shiny, sweet smelling hair and answers, "I hope so too. But even if he's not in love with me, I had to be honest with myself, with you. I had to get here."

Her smile is shaky. "Don't hope too hard. I don't want you to get your heart broken."

He grins wryly. "It would be a sort of poetic justice, though, wouldn't it?" She snorts a little inelegantly. "I mean, I really deserve to suffer a little, don't I?"

One last squeeze and she lets him go. "You really sort of do." And they smile at each other, already working their way back to one another in a whole new way.

"I only want good things for you, hon."

"I know. I really do. I want the same for you." They turn to leave, hands link one more time and then it's over.

 

_You've run so long  
You've run so far_

 

Kris still waits though. He wants all the noise about his divorce to die down. All the speculation about why and who cheated and the stories that inevitably show up from so-called insiders. He thinks that it will be better to be on his own for a while. He buys an apartment in the Hills, in a complex of only four others where the neighbours are musicians and actors and artists. He soundproofs one of the rooms, builds a small studio and he writes. Music flows from him in rivers of sound and poetry. It's never been so simple for him. Somehow he has tapped into the part of his soul that can make music as easy as breathing. Music has always been a part of him, piano, guitar, viola, all an extension of himself, but the writing, that has always taken work, been hard. And yet now, he just has to sit at the piano, pick up his guitar and it's all there, in his head, songs fully formed, sad, tragic, hopeful, ecstatic. In a few months he has penned enough to fill three albums, all great, all complete, all worthy.

But still he waits. He watches the news, checks for stories about Adam and his life now, knowing he can't trust the tabloids but desperate for anything. The Wild Idol is settled, calm, a changed man. He's had his manic concerts, over the top costumes, pyrotechnic performances and has now matured into an artist who, just standing on the stage, in a t-shirt and jeans, can hold your attention with no effort. Kris knows this because he's downloaded every performance he can find.

The first tour, "Glitterati", where Adam made his fame, his fortune and almost crashed and burned. The drugs, the alcohol, he'd done it all and come out the other side still worshiped and adored. The older, wiser Adam on the second tour, "Glamazon", where he used less production, fewer costumes and made even more of an impact. The third tour, like his, just completed, "Martyr", had been stripped down, no pyro, no flamboyant costumes, bare and open and the world had fallen in love with him all over again. Adam had re-invented himself so many times. He was affectionately called the male Madonna, but the man he watched performing on this tour, was the man Kris had loved, still loves. It makes Kris a little jealous to see Adam's face without all the make-up. He's always kept that part separate from the public. But he's sharing it with them now.

There are the stories about the parade of boyfriends over the years. Kris knows that by looking he's only going to be hurting himself, but it's like a scab he keeps picking at until finally he breaks down and pulls up the gossip. Drake was the first, the only one apart from Brad that Kris ever met. He'd liked Drake, the soft Cajun drawl, the bright eyes and sweet mouth. He understands what Adam saw in him. It hadn't lasted though. The transition from TV star to superstar had taken its toll and they had broken up fairly soon after the release of Adam's first album. There were several, brief flings after that, all contributing to the almost disaster of the "Glitterati" tour, but then a quiet period, where nothing happened.

During the second tour, Adam hooked up with a young actor, newly outed, and it had caused major outcry. Adam was the one held responsible for the younger man's descent into debauchery and was pilloried across the country's conservative states. Kris smiles as he reads the comments from his friends, former Idol contestants. Matt, 'Adam's a gentleman. That new boy chose the best man to help him through the toughest time of his life.' Lil, 'He couldn't corrupt you unless you wanted to be corrupted.' Michael, 'He's an honourable man.' Allison, 'Get over yourselves. You can't choose who you fall in love with.' He's missed them all and thinks that he should start getting in touch with them again. Begin slowly.

It's in this last year that Adam has found happiness it seems. The small pond that is Hollywood ensures that everyone knows everyone else, but the man with Adam now is someone he met while on Idol. David Cook, season 7 winner and a rock star in his own right, is with Adam. They've been together for about ten months, moved in together, seem very happy together. Kris likes David too. Cook is a cool guy. He wonders if they're in love. He hasn't earned the right to jealousy, but it is there, eating at him in tiny bites. He ignores it, or tries to. Jealousy is good for the muse, though, and he pens several songs over this period. The music, as always, is therapy.

He calls Matt, meets up with him for lunch and it's like it always was. Matt is a well-respected song writer and he has bought a studio and makes records with up and comers. He still makes goofy faces and talks in weird voices but it makes Kris feel like he's come home.

"So, how are you?" The fun is over, they've caught up on their lives and Matt is serious for a moment.

Kris thinks hard and replies, "I'm okay, actually. I've been writing a lot."

Matt grins. "That's great. When can I hear some of it? I am considered something of an expert now." The put-on British accent makes Kris laugh.

"Ass. Why don't you come over sometime?"

"When?" The question is short and Kris is surprised.

"Well, um, how about tomorrow?"

Matt smiles. "Give me your address and I'll be there at ten. I like to sleep in a little." Kris is stunned to realize that no one knows where he lives, not even Matt. Has he really spent the last three years trying to pretend that Idol never happened? That's how it feels to him. He's going to have to ask Matt about that sometime. One day, when they've made their way back to the friends they were. Matt continues, "Call Allison, tell her to come too. She'd love to see you."

Kris nods and then shakes his head. "I don't have her number." He's bleak. She's twenty one now, an adult, not living at home anymore and he doesn't have her number. It's a sad commentary on who he has become.

Matt's face is sympathetic and he quickly types Alli's number into Kris's phone. "Call her."

So he does, and when she answers, she recognizes his voice immediately and starts crying and he feels even worse. He's been a shitty friend and a terrible big brother but she's forgiving and thrilled and promises to be at his house the next day. It makes him feel a lot better. If these two people, close as family, can forgive him for his neglect, then he is hopeful about Adam.

They're there the next morning, Matt with three large Starbucks coffees and Allison with a box of donuts. She is in his arms before he can say anything, squealing and squeezing and her hair is in his eyes and mouth and he never wants to let her go. They're sitting in his home-made studio, listening to some of the tracks he's laid down when Allison asks,

"So, is Adam next on your list?" She's always been much smarter than anyone gives her credit for and Kris tugs on a crimson coil of hair.

"Don't butt in, Alli-cat. I need to do things my way."

She scowls. "Your way sucks, Allen. It's taken you years to call us. We've been waiting for you to grow up, you know." His eyebrows raise and he looks at Matt who is nodding in agreement.

"Okay, so everyone agrees that I've been an idiot. Fair enough, but I still want to do things in my own time."

Matt's laughing now. "Kris, if you wait any longer, you'll qualify for pension." Kris kicks out at Matt, who spins away, chuckling.

Allison is giggling a little as she sits down next to Kris on the piano bench, bumps his shoulder gently. "Seriously though, dude. Head out of ass time. You need to make this right."

Kris is curious. He's wondering what exactly she expects of him. "What do I need to make right though?"

She stares at him as though he has grown horns. "What the hell? Are you stupid or just plain moronic? You and Adam were like Tweedledum and Tweedledummer. When the tour ended, we were all sure that you guys would stay friends forever. Adam asked me what was going on, like I was supposed to know. You weren't talking to me either. It was wrong, man. You done us all wrong." It's the angriest he's ever seen her with him. On tour it was always Kris keeping Adam and Allison from shredding each other, over the top, screaming out loud, him being piggy in the middle, calming them down. She's never been mad with him. Until now.

"I'm sorry." Inadequate, inept, but all he can offer. For Allison, though, it's enough.

She smiles and hugs him and then punches him, hard. "Asshole. Don't do it again. And call Adam."

He looks at them both, helplessly. "I don't even know where to begin, Bit."

Matt supplies helpfully. "Hello is usually a good start." And they're all laughing and then it's time for the music again, because that's where they began.

"I love what you've written, man. It's honest and real and really good." Allison is leaving, she has to be on a plane to Germany tonight but they've pinkie-sworn to talk each night until she gets back and then they're going to dinner together. He puts his arms around her, he still thinks of her as the teenaged prodigy that blew up the stage on Idol, but she's become so much more.

"I am so proud of you, Alli-cat." His affectionate tone makes her tear up and she sniffs.

"So you should be, I'm fuckin' awesome." She is. He watches her leave, climb into a racy car that makes him wince as she peels away from his driveway with a screech of tires.

Matt comes up behind him. "Gotta blow too, dude. I have a couple of new bands coming in today. Some exciting stuff." He throws an arm around Kris's shoulder, "This has been good. I've really had a great time."

Kris smiles at his friend. "Yeah, sorry about being such a pill and taking so long."

Matt bumps against him. "No problemo, just don't do it again. Okay?"

Kris nods. "I promise." Matt grabs his jacket and heads for his car. He winds the window down as he's about to pull off,

"Call Adam, dickhead. You need to close the circle." Kris waves as his friend drives off, slightly more sedately than Allison, but not by much. He likes that phrase, 'close the circle', like it's something that won't end, once he's made his move. The only question is, when is it going to be the right time?

 

_Just as I can be so cruel  
Though I do believe in you  
Yes I do_

 

It's another month before he calls Adam. Allison is back from Germany, Matt and he have joined forces in the production game and he is busy laying down the tracks for his next album. There is an embarrassment of riches in song choices. So he's told the executives that he wants to put out a double CD. They're startled but once he explains his vision, they're excited and start planning the marketing campaign. It's going to be called "Yin and Yang". The title says it all. The music on one CD is all sorrow and tragedy and saying goodbye and letting go. The other is about hope and finding yourself and looking ahead and falling in love. Two sides of life in one album. He's thrilled and nervous and stone cold terrified. This is him out there, all him, no collaborations, no covers, the songs are all personal and meaningful and honest. That's how it should be though.

So once all the balls are rolling and he feels like there is some semblance of control and balance in his life again, he picks up the phone. He's hoping that Adam hasn't changed his number.

"Hello?" The voice is familiar and Kris can't breathe for a moment. "Hello, who's there?" So, Kris's number has been removed from Adam's caller ID. He feels a little pain in his heart, but he's come this far. He needs to take the next step.

"Adam?" It's all he can say, he's surprised that he can even get that out.

The sharp breath from the other side let's him know he's been recognized. "Kris?"

He lets out a breath, only now knowing he's been holding it. "Hey." The silence is deep and Kris knows that he's the one who has to take the plunge first. "So, um, how are you?"

The strangled laugh that is his reply startles him. "How am I?" Adam's voice is hard now. "How am I? Now, let me see. The last time we spoke, about three and a half years ago I believe, you told me to 'back the fuck off'. I think those were your exact words." Kris feels a wash of shame come over him. He really messed up. "Now you call me and ask me how I am. There's a tough question, Kristopher. Let me give you a simple answer. I am fine thank you. How are you?"

The snap in his tone makes Kris wince, but he's manning up now. "Yeah, um, about that. Sorry about being a dickhead. I fucked up." Kris isn't much for swearing, people know he only swears when he's upset. He hopes Adam remembers that. "I will completely understand if you put the phone down on me and never talk to me again, but I'm also hoping that you're still the kindest person that I know and that you'll give me a chance to explain what happened, why I acted the way I did." He takes a breath and waits. What Adam says now will determine the rest of Kris's life, even if his former best friend doesn't realize it.

Adam sighs. "Fine. Talk, explain, what the fuck ever." Kris grins; he's halfway to being forgiven already. Adam has the biggest heart of anyone and he just can't stay mad at people. Look at all the ex-boyfriends he's still friends with.

He replies, "I don't want to do this over the phone, though. Can we meet somewhere? Maybe have some lunch or dinner or something?" He's pushing, but he doesn't care. He's hoping that Adam still caves to the people who matter.

The second sigh is a capitulation. "Alright, asshole. I will meet you at El Colmao at two for lunch. Is that good for you?"

Kris says softly, "Any time. Any place. It's all up to you now." He puts the phone down and starts to plan his campaign.

El Colmao is busy, booked out, but when it's Kris Allen and Adam Lambert, they make a plan. Kris arrives first and the staff rush to prepare a table and make sure he's comfortable. He orders a beer for himself and a bottle of champagne for Adam. He's not changed in his tastes; he's counting on Adam being the same as well. When he finally arrives, he's wearing oversized dark glasses, black denims, a green t-shirt and a black leather jacket. He looks the part of jaded rock god and throws himself down in the chair opposite Kris. He cocks an eyebrow at the beer and then reluctantly grins at the champagne, nodding at the waiter to pour.

"Sure of yourself, Kristopher?" He's a little snide, but Kris can work with that.

He shakes his head. "Sure of nothing, Adam, just hoping." The snarky grin disappears and the shades come off. It's just eyeliner and lip gloss today, and those intense blue eyes are fixed on him.

"So talk. What's this all about? Drought, famine and now plenty. Tell me your tale and let's see if I deem you worthy of forgiveness." He's back to being snippy and Kris just grins at him.

"Are you going to bite at me all afternoon? Or are you going to let me say my piece and then take your pot shots?"

Adam's mouth softens, curves in a smile. "You're being very brave. I'm a big deal these days. I can take you down."

That makes Kris laugh. "I'm kind of a big deal too, you ass." They grin at each other for a moment then Kris sobers, "I want you to understand what happened. And hopefully, to forgive me."

Adam leans back in his chair. "You know I don't have to, right?"

Kris nods. "Yeah, but see, I know you. I know you better than anyone." He holds up a hand when Adam starts to speak. "Yeah, we haven't talked in years, but you're still the same person. Just with a little less glitter and a lot more fame."

Adam's mouth is tight. "I have changed, you know."

Kris tips his head to one side. "Not in the ways that matter. You'll always be the best person I know."

The blue eyes dim a bit and close. "Not fair, man. You're not fighting fair."

Kris puts his elbows on the table; hands stretched out in front of him, willing Adam to take them. "I'm prepared to fight dirty if it means I can have you back in my life again. Now, will you let me explain?" The nod is minute, but it's enough for Kris to begin. "The night the tour ended, Katy told me that I was in love with you."

Adam's eyes are open again, instantly, shocked and Kris continues, "I told her she was talking crap and that we were just friends. She spent about two hours showing me pictures and videos on the net. Oh yeah, and the professional analyses of our bromance. Everyone saw it, but me." He's looking straight at Adam now. "You saw it too, didn't you?" He doesn't mean to sound accusing but it comes out that way and Adam's face turns thunderous. "Sorry, wait, don't say anything yet. That came out wrong. Don't get mad, okay?" He watches as Adam struggles with himself and then settles back down.

"What I was trying to ask is, why didn't you talk to me? Denial is a river in Egypt and I was on that boat, dude. No way was I in love with you. So I just backed the hell off. Maybe I let it go too long." Adam hasn't moved and Kris is encouraged to carry on, "Adam, by the time I realized that I had pushed you out of my life, I was on tour, you were on tour and I just didn't know how to get you back without all the emotional shit along with it."

Adam's face is motionless and then he asks, "Emotional shit? That's how you felt about our friendship?"

Kris shakes his head. "Shut the fuck up, Lambert. Stop trying to twist things. Will you let me finish?" The surprise in Adam's eyes is worth the swearing and the wave of an elegant hand tells Kris to continue. "I looked at myself in the mirror one night. It was like I didn't exist. Not without you, anyway. Katy has always been way smarter than me. She knew long ago that I loved you. I was the one who fucked it all up. I was too much of a coward to deal with it all."

Adam is shaking, Kris can see he's trying to be casual, but the hand around the champagne glass is shaking. Kris isn't sure what that means, but he needs to get this said. "I understand that you've moved on, that you're with someone you...love." That is so hard to say, "All I want is to be a part of your life again. Maybe, be friends again. I understand that you're not in love with me, I can handle that. Just give me a chance, please." And Kris is done. The ball is in Adam's court now.

The waiter comes up and gives them the run down on the specials of the day. Kris has no idea what they are but he orders spicy beef and Adam orders chicken and the guy vanishes again. Still, he says nothing, just looks at Kris thoughtfully. Kris sits and drinks his beer, content with the silence for some bizarre reason.

Finally, Adam asks, "So, just out of curiosity, where do you see yourself fitting in my life now?"

Kris grins at him. "Anywhere you want to put me. As long as I'm in."

Adam's mouth is curving in a smile, a small one, but it's real. "I'm not saying you're forgiven yet, but I'm having a party for David on Saturday night. It's his birthday. Come. We'll talk."

Kris isn't sure about meeting the boyfriend yet, but it's an olive branch he grabs with both hands. "Do I need to bring a gift?"

Adam chuckles, "Only if you want to be let in the door." Their lunch arrives and the conversation is banal, but they're catching up on the missed years, and that's all that counts.


	2. Chapter 2

_Live without the sunlight_

 

Saturday comes too quickly. Kris asks Allison to be his date. Fortunately she's already on the guest list. He's not sure if the gift he gets is appropriate or even close to something Cook might like, but he reckons, they're both musicians, he can't really go wrong. Allison tells him to dress smart casual, like he even remotely understands what that means. So he puts on a smart pair of jeans, a black t-shirt and a black dust coat that skims his thighs.

Her whistle from tells him he looks okay. "Come to mama!" Allison yells as she runs down her stairs and throws her arms around him, "Kris! You stud, you looking for a girlfriend?"

Her lashes flutter like a Kewpie doll and Kris laughs and hugs her tight. "Thanks, Alli-cat, I reckon you'd be too much woman for me."

Her rich laughter is his reward and he helps her into the car. "You are probably right, sir." She leans her head back against the car seat and rolls her eyes to look at him, "So, what is tonight about?"

She's never been one to mince words and he appreciates it. "It's about re-connecting with my friend."

Her face is grave. "And that's it?"

Kris looks at her, solemn. "Yeah, he's letting me in again, Bit. I am going to respect the boundaries." He turns the key, the car roars to life and then he grins at her, "For now, anyway."

She pumps her fists in the air. "You go, boy!" But then quiets again, it's a little like being with an emotional tennis ball, she leaps from feeling to feeling in seconds. "What about David?"

Kris nods slowly, concentrating on the road, listening to his GPS guiding him. "If he's truly happy with David, if he's the one for Adam, then, I'll be okay with being his friend again."

Allison looks sceptical but shrugs. "If you say so. Just so you know, Cook is awesome. He's like the most fun outside of an amusement park you can have. I really like him, so please, don't hurt him. Okay?"

Kris ponders this. "It feels weird, I know that Adam is with him, but I don't think it feels real. You know?"

Alli appears concerned. "They're pretty happy together, dude. I don't want you to be setting yourself up for a fall. Don't be hopeful. Be realistic. Be satisfied with starting to build the friendship again."

Kris knows she's right, but he can't help the optimism, the hope. "I'll be fine. Stop worrying, okay?"

She folds her arms, unconvinced but knowing that's about as good as it's going to get. "Fine. But don't come crying to me when he breaks your heart. I have bigger fish to fry."

Kris glances slyly over at her. "I hear Archie's going to be there tonight. Is that the reason for the boobs falling out the top of your dress?" She shrieks at him in mock rage and they bicker happily for the rest of the way.

Adam's house is huge. Lit up like a Christmas tree, it's the home of a couple of rock stars. There are valets to park the car when they pull up and Kris takes Allison's hand as they walk up the stairs.

She squeezes gently. "It's gonna be okay, you know. Everything always works out the way it should." Kris thinks to himself, if that were true then it would be he and Adam hosting this party and no, that way of thinking was only going to get him into trouble.

"Thanks, sweetheart. I appreciate the assist." They smile at each other and walk inside. The entrance hall is majestic, marble and gold and completely over the top and utterly Adam. Kris grins as he looks around. His friend might have toned down the performances but he still is the queen of glitz. Allison pulls loose and runs shouting at a tall man in a dark suit. He turns around and Kris's face stretches in an even wider grin. He races after Alli and is soon hugging Anoop and Megan and laughing with his old friends. Megan brags on her big diamond ring and Anoop just smiles and looks at her with literal hearts in his eyes. They're planning a spring wedding and demand that he comes.

Kris nods, smiling and then says. "Only if I get to sing your wedding song."

Megan squeals and hurls herself into his arms, yelling, "Oh my god, that would be so amazing if you could."

Kris untangles her and hands her back to Anoop. "I have written the perfect song. It's not one that I've put on my album. It can be your wedding song." He holds his hands up, warding her off when she goes to hug him again and she laughingly contents herself with cuddling up to her quiet fiancé. Matt joins them about ten minutes later, with a tray of champagne glasses and hors d'oeuvres.

They're chatting about the tour and what they've all been up to recently and then a young man taps Allison on the shoulder. She spins and nearly tips her drink over David Archuleta who stammers an apology and Alli is stuttering with humiliation so Kris takes pity on the two of them and grabs Archie's hand, shakes it. "Hi, David, not sure if you remember me, Kris Allen?"

Archie tears his eyes away from Allison and looks at Kris, focuses. "Oh my gosh, Kris, of course I remember you! Hi, how are you?" The hand shake is returned and then Kris introduces the others. He steps back and out slightly, making the circle larger to accommodate the younger man who plasters himself as close to Allison as possible. Kris meets Matt's eyes and the two of them share a snicker and a cynical eye roll. To be that young and in lust again.

They all talk a little while longer and then Kris excuses himself, smiling. "I had better go and greet the hosts of this here shindig." The deliberate southern drawl makes Alli and Megan giggle and Matt just cracks up. He waves to them, promising to find them later and heads into the crowd.

Adam is holding court near the wet bar. He's wearing a pair of dark grey leather pants; a black shirt that looks like it's made of oil and grey boots. He's glammed up a little for the party, charcoal eye shadow and liner and a deep pink lip gloss. His hair sparkles under the lights, obviously attacked by the glitter elves, Kris thinks to himself with a grin. Then he notices Cook. He's next to Adam, not cuddled up close, but his hand is tucked into Adam's, body turned away slightly while he talks to someone else, but still connected. Adam says something, tugs, and Cook turns, laughing and his other hand comes up, rubs Adam's lips and then he rubs his own, spreading the gloss. Kris watches Adam's eyes go dark, dangerous and then he leans down and kisses the other man. Cook leans in, links his free hand around Adam's neck, fingers plunging into the hair there and returns the kiss wholeheartedly. It's a moment of intimacy, one that Kris can't, doesn't want to, interrupt and he steps away, moving back into the mass of people, before Adam sees him.

 

_Love without your heartbeat_

 

He feels like he's blind and just walks, walks, walks until he feels the touch of a breeze on his face and realises that he's somehow found his way into the garden. It's been decorated with fairy lights and sparkles with an enchantment that Kris can't feel. He's moving still, into the shadow of a large tree where a pile of cushions is thrown invitingly for the wanderers who make their way here. He folds himself down, feels his centre give way and every muscle in his body becomes liquid.

He really hasn't thought this through. Hasn't thought that it would be this hard. Surely, because they've never been anything more than friends, surely it'll be easy to go back to that place and not wonder what his mouth tastes like? Surely having been friends, he shouldn't feel this urge to kill a man, someone who has obviously been able to fill all of Adam's empty spaces, and fill them well? It's not rational that he's filled with violence thinking about someone else being with Adam, being Adam's.

He knows that it's just not possible for Adam and him, not now anyway, and having seen that display in there, probably not ever. And here he thought he would be okay with just being friends with Adam again. He is so far from okay that he might as well be in Hawaii. Kris drops his head onto his knees, closes his eyes and does what he normally does when he doesn't have all the answers. He prays.

He's not sure how long he's out there. It's a while though. He thinks he ought to go back inside and put on that public face that he's learned to wear over the years. Adam hasn't seen that face, so maybe it will fool him. He stands up, his body creaks, aches as though he's an old man and he tucks his hands in his pockets and heads back indoors. Matt spots him first, raises an eyebrow and Kris shakes his head, one side of his mouth curls in a smile. Obviously not very convincing as Matt frowns and makes his way to him.

"Hey man, where you been at? We've all been looking for you. Adam wanted to know where you were and Alli said that you had gone looking for him. He said he hadn't seen you." Matt's eyes are sympathetic, kind and Kris really can't handle that right now.

He responds with a smile. "I'm okay, thanks man, just needed some air. I haven't really done the party thing in a long time. Big crowds this close, make me a little crazy." And when did he become such a good liar, because Matt relaxes and they wander towards the main party area. Suddenly, Cook is front of them, slightly wobbly, fairly drunk and utterly charming.

"Kris Allen! We've all been wondering where the fuck you were!" Kris can't help himself, he grins at the inebriated birthday boy.

He digs in his coat, pulls out a package and gives it to Cook. "Happy birthday, David." The surprised hazel eyes meet his, narrow and then light in a smile.

"You are a totally awesome man, dude, man." He chuckles a bit, throws a heavy arm around Kris and leads him to some empty chairs. He collapses into one and Matt and Kris sit down as well. "Can I just tear the paper, please? I am so not the careful present opener type." Kris waves his assent and Cook lets rip. He stares down at the gift and then up at Kris. "Are you for real? Are you fucking serious?" His eyes are wet and Kris is alarmed. This isn't the reaction he was expecting. Just then Adam comes up, sits on the arm of Cook's chair, runs his hand gently over his lover's head and asks,

"What have we here? Well, well, Kris Allen as I live and breathe. You are here, not a figment of everyone's over-active imagination." The snark is weighted and Kris squirms a little. He knows he's been a chicken shit coward this evening but he's here now so Adam can drop the diva act. He's about to respond when Cook exclaims,

"Babe! Look what Kris got me!" He shoves the package at Adam, who teeters a little on the arm rest and then takes it. He looks down and then up at Kris again, eyes like lasers, pinning him.

"This is a very special gift, baby. Kris obviously thought about it a lot." He's talking to Cook but staring at Kris and his face is unreadable.

Cook rushes at Kris, hugs him hard, breathless with delight. "Original sheet music from Nirvana! You are too much; too fucking much and I love you!" And he plants a kiss on Kris's surprised mouth while Matt sputters with laughter. When Kris can eventually pull away, he sees Adam laughing too and tugging at Cook who falls back and leans his head on Adam's thigh. "Babe. This has been the best birthday ever. I love you so much." He lifts his head and Adam lowers his and they're kissing again, this time so close that Kris can reach out and touch them. He's immobile, working hard on that public face and he feels Matt's hand at his back, pressing hard, letting him know that he's not alone. When they pull apart, Kris is already on his feet, bouncing, and smiling.

"Guys, I'm just going to go and find Alli. I left her with Archie and she was looking a little desperate. Gotta rescue my date before she does anything she regrets." Cook grins and thanks him again, Adam is silent, watchful and maybe that public face is a win because he nods and smiles too. And Kris escapes.

Allison is just fine on her own with David. In fact, the young man appears a little terrified of the confident young woman. Kris thinks that he's doing them both a favour by dragging her off with him onto the dance floor.

Allison huffs in his arms. "I am so not your beard, Kris!"

Kris almost chokes in horror. "Allison Iraheta! If your mother heard you right now..."

"She'd tell you the same thing, you ass. I was gonna get so lucky tonight." Her voice is mournful and Kris tries to banish the vision of her and Archie...

"You are my date and I will be taking you home."

She glares up at him and then grins, mood swing, five seconds. "So, did you see Adam?" She sounds so hopeful that Kris can't bear to crush her.

He swings her in a circle and she throws her arms out, laughing and almost having a clothing malfunction. She grabs her top and tugs it up, Kris is crimson. He's not sure if it's embarrassment or irritation.

"So, did you?" She's always been a terrier and won't let go if she wants something.

He sighs and nods. "Yeah, I saw him. And Cook. With their tongues down each other's throats." This was not true because their kisses had been beautiful, almost chaste, but Kris isn't feeling charitable right now. "I've given Cook his gift, said hi, I'm ready to go now." He sounds petulant and about five years old but he feels about a hundred and all he wants to do is go home, drown himself in his music and forget about being in love with Adam Lambert.

Allison is staring at him as though he's crazy. "Are you nuts? This is like the party of the year and there's no way I'm going home until the last person leaves. Well, I mean until the last people but Adam and Cook, because they live here."

Kris shakes his head. "I'm not staying, Alli." She stops dancing, crosses her arms and glares at him in the middle of the dance floor.

"Well you're fucking on your own then, Allen. I'll make my own way home, or I'll stay here tonight, but these are my friends and I'm going to enjoy their party." She stomps off, people moving out of her way as though she's the Titanic. Kris watches her leave and then turns to go. He almost makes it. He's waiting on the steps outside; the valet has gone to collect his car, when a hand drops on his shoulder. He turns, it's Adam, of course it's Adam, as if this night hasn't sucked enough already.

"Leaving so soon?" Adam's voice is silky smooth. It makes the hair on the back of Kris's neck stand up.

He gulps. "Yeah, I'm not really much of a party person anymore. It's already way past my bedtime. But thanks man, I had a good time." Public face is on, but he doesn't think it's that convincing this time around because

Adam growls,

"You are such a fucking liar, Kristopher Allen. You're not even remotely interested in being friends again. Is this your idea of a joke? Build someone's hopes up and then destroy them? I think you're a shit friend and a shit person and I don't think forever is long enough for me not to see you again." Kris stares at Adam. Where the hell had that come from?

"What? Seriously, Adam, what the fuck are you on? I came here tonight, made nice with your boyfriend, danced, laughed, ate your food and drank your wine. And what did you do? Sucked face with Cook in front of me." This has been a show tonight, presented by the king of 'let's pretend' himself. It's been Adam's way of showing Kris what he's missed. Spiteful, petty, mean and cruel and that is not the person that Kris fell in love with all those years ago.

Adam is shocked into silence, he's staring at Kris, who continues. "I think you're right about us not seeing each other again. I think it'll be better if I stay away from you." Kris holds out his hands, they're shaking so hard he can feel the bones judder. "Better for everyone." The valet appears at his elbow and hands Kris his keys. He pulls out a hundred as a tip and the young man grins, thanks him and speeds off. Kris heads for his car, desperate to leave, escape. This feels like a walking nightmare.

Adam speaks, his voice is jagged, rough. "Kris, you're upset, you shouldn't drive."

Kris spins, shoots an angry glare at Adam, points at him sharply and says, "You don't have the right to say anything to me. No right at all. Not any more." He climbs in, struggles to put the key in the ignition and then Adam's hand covers his, he leans down at Kris's door.

"Please, don't leave like this. We've said some ugly things tonight. I don't want them to be the last things we say to each other." His voice is urgent and Kris turns his head. Adam's mouth is right there and Kris gives in, leans in, takes Adam's mouth as his own, seals his possession with a kiss. It runs hot so fast that Adam is gasping and Kris is plundering and owning and demanding and Adam is giving and moaning and granting.

Kris pulls away, breathing ragged. "That's it. That's the first and last kiss. There's your fucking last memory." His voice is hard, bitter and he's burning from the pain. He starts the car and pulls away, leaves Adam standing at the bottom of the stairs; fingers against his mouth.

He's driving too fast, the corners seem to get sharper and steeper and the canyon roads get narrower. He wipes at his eyes, when did he start crying? He shouldn't be driving in this state. Adam was right. Kris viciously shoves the Range Rover into gear; he's not going to let Adam be right about anything again. He's done waiting, putting his life on hold. Adam has moved on, obviously it's time for Kris to do the same.

 

_I, I can't live within you_

 

So Kris does what he's done for the past year, he looks to his music for the answers. He spends hours in the studio, tweaking the album that's more personal than anything he's ever done.

The first time Adam calls after the party, Kris can't get to the phone in time and the answering machine gets it. He stops when he hears Adam's voice.

"Hi, Kris. It's Adam. I guess you recognize the voice, right? I wanted to talk to you, to find out…fuck. I just want to know if you're okay. Call me please. The other night was a disaster and I need to…just call me. Please."

He doesn't return the call. And a few days later Adam calls again. This time, Kris waits for the machine to pick up, he screens his calls now.

"Kris, it's Adam. Come on, I know you're there. Pick up the phone. Please. I have to talk to you, to explain. Shit. There's so much I need to explain. But I need to say it face to face. Call me."

The calls get a little angrier, heated after that. Adam doesn't like being thwarted.

"Kris, don't be a dick. Pick up the phone."

"I swear to God, I'm going to camp out on your doorstep until you talk to me. We need to clear the air. Kris, let me in."

"I can't believe you're being such a coward, Kristopher. I know you're at home. I can see your shadow through the window, you chicken shit. Talk to me."

"You're a fucking coward. Fine. Don't talk to me. I'll just sing you a song…"

"Adam." Kris needs this to stop. He needs Adam to let go too before it all spirals into an even uglier mess.

"You decided to answer, huh? Nice of you." The tone is sarcastic and Kris is just not going to let Adam take bite-sized pieces out of him.

"What do you want? I think we said it all at the party." Kris is composed.

Adam isn't. "Can we meet? Just to talk? Please. I hate that we left it like that. I need to tell you…"

"What? Just answer me this one thing. Are you still with David?" Adam is silent. "If you are, then this conversation is pointless. I've already done so much damage. I don't want to be the reason you and David don't work. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me."

Adam's voice is agonised. "You're making me choose."

"No. I'm not." His voice is low, almost kind, "I'm letting you go." And he puts the phone down and ignores it when it rings again and again and again. He's wound tight like a spring and turns back to the music. It's all that's holding him together right now.

The launch is understated but he can't stay under the radar for long. "Yin and Yang" goes gold in the first week. The first single released is "Lost for Lies", and it basically exposes every emotion he's ever felt for the entire world to hear,

_"Although I've told so many lies, become someone all will despise  
I've waited for discerning eyes to find the truth beneath the sighs,  
Somehow in never being true, I've lost myself and in turn who  
I am and all that I can do, but most of all, I've lied to you_

Chorus:  
So please forgive me if I say that I was born to be this way  
Promise me that you will stay. Don't let the lies drive you away  
And in return you have my heart, which isn't much, but it's a start  
Perhaps your love will play some part to make truth seem to me an art"

It's all crazy and people are demanding and he's too tired to fight any more and when Jim Cantiello asks him who "Lost for Lies" is about, Kris just answers softly, "It's a song I wrote about someone I loved, someone I lost. I fucked up."

Adam leaves one message. "I know the song is about me. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I miss you and love you no matter what. I didn't know. I haven't gone anywhere. I'm always here. If you need to talk. Or want to, I don't know, just yell at me for whatever you think I've done wrong, I'm here. You'll never lose me."

Kris thinks about calling. But he's become numb at his centre and knows that what he can offer now is less than all of himself. So he doesn't respond. The sound of Adam's voice makes his heart ache a little though. A lot actually, but he's cut the ties and he's drifting out on a sea that he's not sure he's equipped to navigate. It's time to grow up, time to figure out who he wants to be, because right now, he's not so proud of the person he's become. And he can't do any of that growing up with Adam around.

Allison and Matt stop by regularly, Allison often with David Archuleta, a surprising relationship that appears to be moving into serious territory. It's Allison who tells Kris that Adam and Cook aren't together any more. Kris has deliberately not asked. He's avoided the tabloids and stories but he can't avoid the well-meaning friends who seem to believe that he's only half a person without Adam. He's fine. Every day, it hurts that little bit less.

Adam phones once after Kris hears about the break-up. His message is short. "Hi, it's me. I guess you've heard about Cook and I. Let me know if you still feel the same. Because I…I…Kris, I think we have a chance at something special. We're both carrying wounds. Maybe we can help heal each other. Just, let me in, okay?"

But he can't let Adam in yet. Not if he wants things to be right this time around, so he sends him a text and asks him to just let him be. Its Adam's turn to not respond. Heartsick, even though it's by choice, and feeling like a child, Kris calls his parents and tells them he's coming to visit for a while. He needs to be away from LA and Adam and all the temptation that offers.

He goes back to Arkansas for a few weeks, preparing for his next tour. He's not keen to go on the road again but "Yin and Yang" is a juggernaut that can't be stopped. He enjoys the pampering and unreserved love he gets from his family and friends. It's good just to be able to walk into a bar or restaurant and be Kris, old town boy, and not Kris Allen, star. It's not home anymore though, it's where his parents live. And he discovers that it's a good thing.

When he heads home to LA, he's ready for phase two, the next part of his life. He's a little terrified because this is diving off the 10-metre board with only a foot of water in the pool. Surprisingly, his closest companion is his ex-wife. She's back in his life again, a blond, perky cheerleader in his corner, pushing him, encouraging him, loving him despite everything and he is so very grateful for her. It's like he's seeing her again for the first time but when he tries to tell her, she laughs it off. She's found consistent work in advertising and a daily soap. She's loving her independence and he's enjoying re-discovering her all over again. There's no jealousy when she moves in with one of her co-stars, in fact, Bruce quickly becomes a friend.

The tour is a sell-out. It's broken his previous records and he's a little dazed with all the attention. He's in the limelight and the tabloids and the media and all he wants is to find a quiet place and write, because that's the one thing that's still working for him. He busses across America and then crosses over to Europe where he finds liberation in the clubs and bars scattered through Paris and Rome and Madrid.

It's in London, that he meets Gabriel. The first time he sees him, he thinks it's Adam because they're built the same, they walk the same, they even share dark hair and blue eyes. But that's where the resemblance ends. Gabe is not into music or the entertainment world. He's a teacher, someone more like Kris, calm, even-tempered and kind. Kris takes his number and calls him, asks him out. They fit. Gabe laughs softly and speaks gently. He smiles often and genuinely and makes Kris feel like perhaps there is hope out there.

It's the first time Kris has had sex with a man and it's messy and scary and feels surprisingly right. He wonders what took him so long to realise who and what he is. It makes him a little sick when he thinks back on the way he treated Katy and then Adam. But he can't think about Adam yet. It's too soon, he's still learning about the kind of person he wants to be.

Of course, the tour ends and Kris has to go back to America, but he asks Gabe to visit some time. Gabriel is hesitant. He doesn't want the attention, he likes his life and he's not completely in love with Kris. So they kiss, say goodbye and he leaves the invitation open. Kris is a little sad, but he's not heart-broken and that tells him that he's healing.

He comes home and the words are still pouring out of him in an endless ocean but this time there is hope and laughter and love. Kris shares what he's learned, what he's learning with the people who have stuck with him for more than four years, his family, his friends, his fans.

He writes songs about the discovery of self, music that speaks of heartache and heartbreak and healing. He hopes that the time away, introspective and hidden, shows in his lyrics. He sings about hatred and anger and jealousy, a wound festering and lanced and cleansed with the sweet melody of forgiveness and truth and home. Some words cut deeply, make him ashamed of where he was, others make him hopeful for where he's headed.

 

_I can't live within you_

 

Then Adam comes to see him and unsurprisingly, Kris is completely unprepared for it. Adam looks unchanged, a little thinner perhaps, a little paler but Adam was always one to stay out of the sun. His freckles are standing out on his mouth like angel's kisses and just like that Kris feels his heart stutter, stagger, stumble.

"What are you doing here?" Kris's enquiry is hard, he's not ready to deal with Adam yet. Perhaps he never will be. Which just makes him angry with himself because, really, this shouldn't be so difficult. Not if he was really over him.

Adam's response is so soft Kris can barely hear it. "Because I can't stay away from you any more." Kris has been trying to take care of himself first for months now, he's tried hard not to think about Adam. It's a daily struggle.

"Please, Adam, just go, we've hurt each other so much." His tone has changed, softened, but the intent has not. He really doesn't want to fight, he made himself let go of the anger and resentment months ago. "Can't we just leave it at that and move on with our lives without playing out this little drama?"

Adam steps inside, shuts the door. "Get it out. Say it now, once and for all and then, for God's sake, let it go." Adam's voice is even, calm and Kris can't bear it that Adam seems so cool and collected and fine about everything while he's been a mess and fucked up and sometimes feels like he's dying piece by piece every single day.

His laugh is slightly bitter, he hates himself. "You want me to 'let it go'? Okay, how about this, it's taken me a long time to realise what I dick I was to you. It's one of the reasons I didn't call you when you broke up with Cook. I made so many mistakes." He sighs, his shoulders tense with nerves.

Adam just looks at him, a grim curve to his lips. "Cook and I broke up because he really didn't want to share. He told me that I was still too attached to you."

Kris smiles, albeit reluctantly. "Yeah, well, that was always our problem. Too attached to each other, and always committed to someone else." He thinks about telling Adam about Gabriel, but that would be twisting a knife wound deeper and he's not vicious, "Our timing kinda sucked. You know?"

Adam tilts his head to one side. "Are you with someone now? New girlfriend?" He's not even subtle and Kris has to laugh. Adam hasn't changed, no fake, no filter.

"You're a piece of work, Adam Mitchel Lambert. That's really none of your business now, is it?" But his tone is fond, he's smiling, his heart is pounding with terror and hope.

Adam is still staring at him, piercing him with bright blue eyes, trying to climb inside him and Kris just can't let him yet, not if he wants to get out the other side with a hope of sanity. "You're it for me, Kristopher. Always were, are and will be. Now answer the fucking question and tell me if we can find our way back the right way this time?"

Kris shakes his head. "I was, briefly, but no, I'm not with anyone right now." He's not sure why he's telling Adam anything, why he's opening the door to himself again, but that core of ice that's been with him for so long is loosening, melting.

Adam steps close, Kris can smell the slightly wild scent that permeates his body, it's a part of Adam's arsenal and almost irresistible. "Good. That's good."

For the first time, Kris hears Adam's voice drop, deepen, roughen like sin and he feels his skin quiver. He still responds so easily to all of Adam's signals. It is pretty humiliating. "So what exactly does that mean?" All the barriers carefully erected for protection over the past months are steadily being eroded by the sight, scent and sound of the man in front of him. He barely has the defences of a new born when it comes to Adam. And he wonders if he ever will.

"It means that maybe we can go out on a date. Hold hands, fool around a little, get to know each other again." Adam's mouth is soft, relaxed and Kris has to close his eyes for a moment. "It means, this time, we can try to figure out exactly what we are and whether we can be spectacular together or just crash and burn without the burden of all the other crap that we have dealt with in the past."

Kris thinks about this, it sounds hesitant, hopeful, almost possible but he's not ready to give in completely just yet. "I'm not going to be easy." His words don't come out right and he flushes. He hates that Adam makes him so crazy and confused and with apparently no effort at all.

"There's never been anything easy about you, Kristopher." His eyes are light and laughing and Kris knows he's making fun of him a little, but he can't bring even himself to be insulted. Or care. He is easy.

"You're an asshole, Lambert and I think maybe you don't deserve me after all." Kris is trying not to smile, trying not to give in so quickly, but it's Adam and he's loved him for what feels like forever and he's just so tired of being without him in his life.

"I'm your asshole, Allen. I think that we just forgot that for a while." He grins at Kris and there, right there is the Adam that Kris fell in love with years ago, the Adam that he hasn't been able to root out of his heart, no matter how hard he has tried.

Kris sighs, he's always been an optimist. "I'm tired. It's been a long tour and I've been really looking forward to some downtime." He needs to think about this, maybe get Adam to back off a bit so that he can regain a little perspective.

But this is Adam and he shrugs. "So get some sleep, baby. I'll be here when you wake up." He puts an arm around Kris and walks him to his bed. Kris sits down, tugs off his shoes and lies back.

"You're taking an awful lot for granted." Kris feels the need to protest, because he's being taken over, possessed like before and he doesn't intend losing himself again. He's older and hopefully a little wiser now.

"I'm taking nothing for granted. I am as tired as you and would really like to talk about the fuck-up that our relationship has managed to become, once I've had a little sleep." Then he takes off his jacket and his boots and lies down next to Kris, curls his body up against Kris's back, throws an arm around his waist and just holds him.

"Close your eyes, I'm not going anywhere." And Kris lets the weariness that seems to have weighed him down for so long, take him under.

When he wakes up again, he hears Adam singing something soft and sweet and realises that it's his song,

_"I've lived my life dishonestly, pretending, never being me  
But I just wish that you could see beneath the skin, the real me  
You gave me hope when there was none; you shared your precious love with one  
Who knew only when it was gone; the pain that lies can cause someone  
Chorus:  
So please forgive me if I say that I was born to be this way  
Promise me that you will stay. Don't let the lies drive you away  
And in return you have my heart, which isn't much, but it's a start  
Perhaps your love will play some part to make truth seem to me an art"_

"You're still here." His voice sounds funny, like it's been rusted with lack of use.

The big arm around his middle tightens briefly and Adam replies, "I'm not letting you go again. You can push and scream and swear and bitch and make me jealous. There were photos of you and your pretty British boy by the way. And I was incredibly jealous. But I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me."

Kris flushes, thinks about Adam looking at pictures of him and Gabe and feels like he's been caught cheating. He rolls over, tucks an arm behind his neck. "What makes you think it can work now? This time?" He's curious because he's still not sure it's worth risking his heart again, not sure he'll survive it again.

Adam props his head on his hand, lies on his side and replies, "Because this time, we know where we stand, who we are and what we want."

"Do we? I'm not so sure about that. I'm pretty clueless. It took me ages to realise what a prick I had been." Adam's smile is small, but it's a start and Kris continues, "You gave me another chance to be part of your life and I was the asshole who expected everything to be all perfect and happily ever after in a heartbeat. I knew that you were with David. I should have been grateful that you even let me back in."

Adam touches a finger to Kris's mouth, hushing him. "Kris, it's done. We're both epically stupid when it comes to each other. We've both walked away when we should have held on."

Adam moves his finger, strokes it across his lips, up over his nose and Kris sighs, closes his eyes, relishes the touch of Adam's hand on his face. Long fingers tunnel into the choppy brown hair at his temples and dig in, massaging the dull ache of a headache away. "Go back to sleep. You obviously need it." Adam's voice is like soft rain and Kris nods, drowsy again.

He tastes Adam's lips against his, infinitely sweet and chaste. It feels a lot like love should feel. Warm, comforting, safe. Home.

He feels the bed move, Adam getting up and panics a little. "You'll stay?" He hates to ask but it's the most relaxed, most peaceful he's felt since … he can't remember when.

"I'll be here. We still have a lot of talking to do." Adam settles back down again. "Sleep, baby."

"Mm. 'Kay." And he's just gone.

Adam stays. He calls for someone to collect some of his things from his house and showers. And he stays.

He helps Kris finish one of the songs he's been working on and they argue a little about who's album it's going to be on. And he stays.

They make a pasta and pesto dish together, drink it with a bottle of California chardonnay. And he stays.

Kris feels like he's holding his breath, waiting for the dream to end, for him to wake up and Adam will be gone.

But Adam stays.

They talk about everything and nothing. The lives they've led up until this time feel like just memories now.

 

_(sigh)_

I, I can't live within you

 

They manage their first date with little to no drama. Of course it's all over the tabloids the next day, but they're smart and talk to no one. Adam and he move back into each other's orbits with remarkable ease. Although Kris has learned to stand up to Adam in bull-dozer mode and Adam has discovered that Kris isn't going to back down if he thinks something is important.

Kris waits for the other shoe to drop. He's not been happy for such a long time, most of it his own fuck-up, but this peace, this happiness, it feels too much. He thinks that it can't last. Adam just tells him not to be an asshole and take each day as it comes.

Three months into the new status quo, they're sitting in the living room and he comments to Adam, "It's weird, you know?"

Adam looks up at him from his laptop. "What is?" Adam's face is clean, his eyes unlined, mouth bare and he's never looked more beautiful.

Kris is stretched on the sofa, his feet tucked beneath Adam's thigh. "When Katy and I got divorced, we stayed friends. When you broke up with Brad, Drake, Cook, you stayed friends with them. Why was it so hard for us to be friends again?" He's been thinking about this for a while. It's bugging him, because surely it should have been easier for them to have made their way back to friendship?

Adam closes his laptop, puts it on the coffee table and replies, "I think it was harder because it meant more." He purses his lips, frowns a little, "I couldn't stand being 'just friends' with you, Kris. It was killing me inside back when we were on Idol." Kris is surprised, but he's listening. "I mean, I was prepared to take what I could get from you. And if it was only friendship, then I would suck it up, because you were so important. I don't know if it could have lasted though."

Kris sits up, scoots forward, grabs Adam's hand and asks, "Would you have ever said anything to me?" He's curious, wonders if all this could have been avoided years ago.

Adam shakes his head. "No. Not unless something happened with you and Katy. I respect her too much. I respect the sanctity of marriage. I don't cheat."

Kris is rubbing his thumb over Adam's knuckle absently and murmurs, "You are an honourable man, Adam Lambert. I should have remembered that before I accused you of putting on a show for me that night at the party."

Adam snorts a little, tries to pull away, but Kris holds on. "Actually, I am ashamed to admit that a lot of that night was purely for your benefit." He looks at Kris. "I wanted you to see that I was doing just fine without you, thank you very much."

Kris glares at him. "You are such an ass. I don't know why I love..." And stops. Because it's too soon, but it feels like it's almost too late.

Adam is pulling at Kris now, tugging him close, into an all-encompassing embrace that just takes him over. "I love you too. Always have, always will."

Kris lifts his head, meets Adam's eyes, sees the honesty, the passion and, yes, the love. "Yeah. That sounds good to me." He raises his hand, puts it behind Adam's neck and urges him in. "It feels like I've been waiting for you to kiss me forever."

Adam smiles, "I kiss you all the time, Kristopher. I think it might just be my second favourite Kradam activity."

Kris snickers a little, he knows what is at the top spot. "I'm serious! This is our first kiss. It's like the happy ever after kiss." He's flailing and it's all Adam's fault, as usual.

The sly grin makes him wary. "So you'd be Sleeping Beauty then, and I'd be Prince Charming?"

Kris snorts a little. "Shut up, Lambert, and kiss me already." And he does. And it's everything Kris hoped it would be, because...well, because it's Adam kissing him. They pull apart, mouths damp, breath hitching. It's perfect and the start of something he hopes will be forever. But first, he needs to clear something up, "And you are totally the princess, just by the way. I am nowhere near consumed enough with the love of shoes to be the princess."

Adam is okay with that, he's got more than enough time to show Kris that sometimes, being the princess, is the only way to get the prince. Because, that's how fairytales are supposed to end...with happily ever after and a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songfic based on David Bowie's Within You for the challenge Queenbitchfest


End file.
